My car arrived from Queensland earlier this week, and I embarked on my maiden Melbourne car voyage on Friday afternoon. It was the first time I’d driven in nearly 4 months, and the first time I’d driven in a city in nearly a year. Here’s h0w it went.
1. Turn car on. So far, so good.
2. Put car into reverse, look over shoulder and in mirrors to check for grannies, small children or dogs. Cats have nine lives – not my problem.
3. Take foot off brake, reverse into the street. Put car in drive, press accelerator and stop at the intersection.
4. Oh, that’s right, I’m not in central Queensland anymore. Put on left-hand blinker – fuck, that’s the windscreen wiper. Ok, indicator on… annnnd… go!
5. Put Mastodon on the stereo.
6. Ahh, traffic jam. Time to air drum to Mastodon.
7. Traffic is moving again. Turn off Mastodon as the urge to air drum is impairing my driving ability.
8. AHH! AHH! A DOUBLE LANE ROUNDABOUT! THIS IS LIKE THE ENTRANCE TO THE NORTH ROCKY HUNGRY JACKS BUT WORSE!
9. Ok, cool. Now I’m on the City Link, I think. Fuck. That’s not what I wanted.
10. OK, indicate right to exit. LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN YOOUUUUU KARRRRRNNTTT
12. Oh hang on, I do want to be on the City Link.
13. *motorists honk horns and yell at me*
14. SORRY! I’M FROM QUEENSLAND!
15. Note to self – do not remove your Queensland number plates until you have your shit together. Lucky it’s registered until December.
16. Traffic jam. Put Mastodon on. Air guitar.
17. Traffic’s moving. Turn off Mastodon.
18. All right, cool. I think I’ve got the hang of this. Just need to get into the left hand lane. Indicate… mirror…
19. LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
20. Wow, this bridge is really tall. I guess at least I can check out the view now I’m stuck in a traffic jam.
21. OK, the bridge is shaking in the wind. The traffic isn’t moving. What if it collapses? It’s happened before.
22. HOLY SHIT I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OFF THIS BRIDGE OR I AM GOING TO DIE
23. Traffic is moving. I am not going to die.
24. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT TRUCK COME FROM?! I AM GOING TO DIE.
25. Ok, no, I’m good. Indicate left… LET ME IN LET ME IN…
26. Phew. Thanks! Sorry! I’m from Queensland! We don’t have roads or laws up there.